Voices Carry

My heart was touched so deeply by the talk President Monson gave at the most recent women's conference. I can't help but write about it. He spoke on not judging others. I loved his message, and almost more than that I loved how it was delivered. I think it's a topic that needs to be shared, but he did it with love rather than guilt. It was light, but strong. He is truly a prophet and has the pure love of Christ.

I spent a good part of my life unaware of how judgmental people can be. I was completely oblivious to it in my younger years. Perhaps naive? I also had stellar friends who would never make it a habit. Of course everyone passes judgement once in a while, including myself. I'm not perfect either. But as I grew older I realized there are people who seem to look for opportunities, and are even eager to do it.

I think the talk really hit a spot deep in my heart because I've had the unfortunate experience of overhearing judgement being passed about me. I was being judged in the most unfair of ways. As I sat and listened (and I probably shouldn't have) my heart sank and my stomach ached. Especially when I came face to face with my judges minutes later greeted by smiles, kind compliments, and caring conversation. I was devastated. Not so much by the things said, but how in an innocent situation, they chose with all their hearts to conjure up and believe the worst possible scenario. Instead of choosing kindness and love, they chose to be really mean.

I reacted the way most probably would, and I'm not so proud of that either. It says much about my own insecurities. I withdrew, put up walls, lost all trust, question sincerity, cried like a baby, and am very careful with the information I share.

I did however want to use the situation to help me become better. I wanted to desperately turn a painful situation into a positive experience. And it ended up being an amazing opportunity for growth for me. I know I have so much more to learn, but here's a few things that really stuck with me:

I learned I don't want to waste time being offended...ever. The older I get the more I'm convinced that getting offended is nothing but selfishness. It's taking a situation that is probably not about you at all and making it ALL ABOUT YOU. I believe that in most cases people are not trying to offend you. You are misunderstanding them. And even if they are trying to offend you, they don't deserve an ounce of the energy you'll waste on worrying about it anyways.

I learned that giving people the benefit of the doubt, and assuming the best in people , is ALWAYS THE RIGHT THING TO DO. Everyone is doing the best they can. And everyone's best self is who they really are. Everyone has strengths and weaknesses and deals with situations we simply cannot understand, no matter how hard we try. And when we are eager to look for the weaknesses in others, it's because we ourselves are not happy with who we are. I can't imagine our Heavenly Father approves of us exploiting each others weaknesses for our own gain.

I learned that I live for me and no one else. Although I do care about other people's opinions, I don't care that much. I don't do things for the approval of others and I don't depend on the approval of others to be happy or validate who I am.

I learned that having expectations of what others should do to make me feel loved is selfish. Really selfish. It will never work. I am responsible for my own happiness. No one else is. It's not fair at all to place that responsibility on other people and then get offended when they don't do it the way I want.

I learned that you can't judge people according to what's important to you. I think we all live by our own personal set of values, rules, and ideas. When we judge everyone else according to what we think is the best way to live, it's just not fair. Every is different, arranges their priority list in a different order, and receives different personal revelation for their lives.

I learned how much we as people misunderstand each other. I wonder how many times I'd misunderstood the actions or words of others and had my feelings hurt by it. Probably too many. I think it's natural for this to happen, it just made me realize how easily it can happen. There is always usually and innocent explanation for something we take the wrong way. I can't even imagine how much worry and heart ache I would have saved myself had I come to this realization years ago!

I learned who my true friends are. I learned about who really loves me and who really doesn't. In his talk President Monson said something so profound. He said that when we are judging and criticizing there is no room for love. My true friends, those who love me, always give me the benefit of the doubt. They know me, my history, my character, and when I make mistakes they are quick to forgive and move on. This has been such an important and powerful lesson for me. And it has shown me the kind of friend I need to be. Especially toward those who are critical of me.

I also learned that it's hard sometimes to not judge. The epic inner battle of the last decade for me has been to resist the temptation to either join in, or judge in retaliation to make myself feel better. When I have given into that temptation, and I have, I feel the spirit withdraw. How could I possibly have the Holy Ghost with me when I am being critical of others? I feel part of who I am withdraw too. I feel disappointed that I'm not living up to who I really am and that I've fallen to a level I don't want to be at...ever. That battle will continue I'm sure. And I will continue to become stronger as I resist and learn to have more love toward others so it is no longer a temptation. It's taught me so much about unconditional love.

When our hearts are full of love for our Heavenly Father, for other people and for ourselves, we are eager to only see the best, and actually find it difficult to see the worst. As it turns out, those voices that carried, carried a powerful lesson to me that I hope to never forget.

I hope I continue to improve and grow in this area and teach my boys by example to truly love everyone, including themselves so that the thought to be critical or judgmental never even comes into their minds.

Most of all I learned a little more about the love our Heavenly Father has for us and how he expects us to behave toward one another. Thus the first and great commandment: "Thou shalt love the Lord thy God with all they heart, and with all thy soul, and with all thy mind. This is the first and great commandment. And the second is like unto it, Thou shalt love thy neighbor as thyself."