Freedom

For several months now my mom has been preparing me for my 40's. She says that's the decade when you really start to live for yourself. And not in a selfish way. As I approach that decade I'm getting more and more excited. And the more I understand what she's saying. I'm starting to feel the way she keeps describing and it feels awesome.

I'll always say that 2009 (my 37th year) is the year I learned how to love. I learned more about Charity, the perfect love of Christ, than I was ever able to understand before. It became my quest, my mission, and will continue to be as it's something you don't just decide to have or work on getting. It's a gift and it takes a lifetime to receive. Do I love perfectly? Not even close. Do I love more perfectly than I did the year before? By leaps and bounds.

I learned so many lessons there is not room enough to write them, but the biggest lessons of all are these: First, true love or Charity or unconditional love is doing something for someone else without a single thought for what you'll get in return. It is selfless. Completely selfless. And second, the only love that really matters is the love you show someone when they are at their least lovable. It's easy to love someone when they don't annoy us. It's hard to love someone when they do.

When we show frustration and anger at someone for being an inconvenience or for being annoying or for not meeting our expectations of how we should be loved, we send a very clear message: I only love you when you are making ME happy. My love for you is conditional. This type of love is so self centered. And it's actually not love at all. Could you imagine if our Savior loved us that way? If he loved and served based on what he'd get in return, an Atonement may have never been made. If he continued to show love for us according to what we give to Him, what would that look like? I'm thankful so much that He loves me no matter what and that his love for me is always there, in abundance, no matter what I do. He doesn't decrease it if I don't please him perfectly.

Conditional love focuses only one ME and what other people can do for ME and puts the responsibility of MY happiness on other people. And that's a lot of pressure for the people in your life. Especially for children. When we become angry with them, this is the message they hear. When we become angry with anyone that's what they hear. They hear, I only love you when you are making ME happy. And when we love conditionally, we get conditional love in return. Instead of selfless actions of love we receive the actions of someone who loves not seeing a frown on our face and feels responsible when they do. Sometimes, when our expectations our so high, there is an internal disconnect knowing their actions are not sincere, and wondering why their real sincere love is not acceptable. Sometimes they decide it's easier to not try. I'm thankful almost constantly that I learned this lesson while my children are young. Anger is pure selfishness. It is absolute self absorption with no thought for the feelings of others. No charity is present. It is something that should never be expressed to a child. I have a long way to go still.

When we have Charity, our happiness comes from within ourselves. It comes from our love for our Savior and knowing that we are truly a child of God. Knowing this for sure eliminates any need for happiness or validation from outside sources. Children are inconvenient. They are learning, they will do annoying things in the process. All of us are learning and will make mistakes. It only makes learning harder when we have the added responsibility to ensure everyone else is happy. This is most powerful: When we eliminate the need to feel good about ourselves by the actions of others, it free's us to love and serve and become like the Savior. To be the kind of person we were intended to be. The kind of person HE know's we can be. The kind of person we know we can be. Likewise, when someone becomes angry or critical of us, it shows us in a crystal clear way more about them, than about ourselves. It then gives us the opportunity to show an increase of love, for which they are so obviously lacking. And in this way the Savior serves and loves us daily. It gives us the opportunity to become like Him. To turn the other cheek.

Love, the real kind, when you don't think for one second "what's in this for me", brings an incredible amount of freedom and happiness. No wonder we are told to acquire it. We don't really start to live until we start to have it. And we can't really serve sincerely unless we do. And I feel like I'm really starting to get what it all means and apply it in my life. Charity, or unconditional love brings freedom from ego, freedom from ever being offended, freedom from disappointment, freedom from competition, freedom from unmet expectations, freedom from worrying about what anyone else thinks, freedom to really live for yourself and become who you really are, freedom from anger, freedom from frustration, freedom from fear, freedom from rejection, freedom from the unfair judgement of others, freedom to accept your weaknesses and make them strengths, freedom to know our limitations, freedom to accept help, freedom to love more than you ever thought possible, freedom to enjoy a closeness to your Father in Heaven in a relationship that is more powerful than anything this earth can create. Freedom to be truly happy.

So Mom, you were right. As I approach my 40's I'm already starting to "really live". I can't wait for freedom to love as I continue to learn and grow. I can't wait for what the 40's bring. The 20's and 30's were awesome, but I think 40 will be my best decade yet. I don't expect to ever achieve Charity in this life, but I hope to get closer and closer with each passing year. Most of all I'm thankful our Savior expresses unconditional love for me. Always.